Oh-so-great

I began the process of discovering self-pleasuring in the summer before 7th grade at, of all places, a church retreat. A kid at the pool we went to was staying over by the jet where the water comes out, watching a girl. When I asked what he was doing, he said I was too young to understand (which confused me, because I thought I was older than he was), but he did say that it "felt good."

I didn't actually discover what he was talking about until weeks later, when we stayed at a hotel that had a bathtub with water jets. I was taking a bath when suddenly what had happened at the church retreat came to mind. I decided to try it out with the jets. And thus I achieved my first orgasm. The result was horrendous, though: I felt sick to my stomach with guilt, immediately stopped bathing and went upstairs (probably very pale), and prayed for forgiveness for whatever I had just done. I showered for the rest of the trip, not even daring to turn on the water jets. I went home praying that I would never do it again.

Unfortunately for me, the floodgates were open and I was addicted. We had just moved to a new house that had very high water pressure, and there was a shower head in my bathroom that directed the water into one stream, which I used to masturbate like the Jacuzzi jet. The guilty feelings went on, and I was starved for information about what was wrong with me. I turned to the Internet. I was still having "dry" orgasms and wondered when I would start producing semen. The night I did (about halfway through 7th grade), it didn't seem right somehow. It wasn't accompanied by an orgasm, but it still freaked me out. I can't accurately describe what happened that first time, except the semen seemed like it was clear with a lot of pure white. I endured another night of shock as I was ushered off to a bat mitzvah party, all during which I thought about what had happened. After that, though, the consistency of my semen got more regular.

Lack of information was a big problem for me, especially with dealing with the guilt. I was so horrified by sex itself that I would turn to just thinking about penises but never girls. Slowly, the happy kid in me died as I began to hate myself over my newfound habit. I had serious issues with the guilt as I searched for a way to overcome this habit. I finally found JackinWorld after searching for information, and it helped me considerably.

As I became more comfortable with the idea of masturbation, I switched to the oh-so-common (yet still oh-so-great) "fist" method. Despite my acceptance of masturbation, fantasizing and sex still remained an area of guilt. Gradually my thoughts, which originally were a means of avoiding fantasizing about women, became fantasies of men. I'm not sure what I am sexual-orientation-wise. Sometimes I'm tempted just to label myself as "asexual," solely because I go for weeks at a time without even thinking about masturbating, and then hardly fantasizing when I do. I've seen a bit of pornography, but I've always felt extremely guilty after I've looked at it, so I've tried to cut back. Unfortunately, when I do fantasize, I usually think about men, so I'm pretty certain that I'm gay, if anything. This also means that I will get the joys of continued guilt with masturbation and sex throughout the rest of my life as I attempt to remain celibate. (I was raised Southern Baptist, so there's no way I'm escaping the guilt over being gay.)

My parents probably know that I masturbate; they've just never said anything in regard to sex ever, and I know they wouldn't accept homosexuality (again, the Southern Baptist thing). My friends mention masturbation only as a passing joke, so JackinWorld has really been my only source for information on one of life's pleasures, and for that I'm eternally grateful.

Currently I'm a junior in high school, and I'm still suffering from the guilt and depression which began, as far as I can tell, on that day I had my first orgasm. Still, I'm a lot better off than I was two years ago, and for that I owe a lot to JackinWorld. I only wish I had found it sooner. Keep up the great work, guys!